ThomasMason.org

I met my wife Candace on The Internet. She’s from Canada and I’m from the United States. Our connection was very strong right from the start, and it had to be in order to establish and maintain an international relationship.

As time went on I discovered a source of cheap phone cards and was able to call Candace every night before bed (this was before VOIP and other methods of voice communication were as commonplace as they are now) but the two of us generally chatted in text every day, usually for more than 8 hours and often very late into the night. It truly was a magical level of connectedness and we considered our meeting nothing less than fate, or something of the sort. The frequency and depth of communication we shared cemented our bond and taught us many lessons.

As Candace emigrated to the US and we got married our relationship continued to grow. Even in times when one of us had some kind of personal issue to work through we always connected with each other extremely well. Today if anyone asks us how our relationship works so well the answer is always the same: communication. Both of us consider it to be the most important factor in a successful relationship.

I think a lot of problem spots in relationships come from a lack of communication and are things that are easily fixed by learning how to communicate properly. Based on my experience, these principles are the keys to having excellent communication with your partner in a relationship:

Maintain an agreement to sit down together whenever one person wishes.
You both need to be willing, no matter what the circumstances are, to sit down together and listen to each other. It’s important that you make some sort of pact or agreement to this effect. How much do you really care for the other person if you’re not willing to sit down with your partner and make their feelings a priority?  In that case, why are you in a relationship?

This may not sound like a big deal, but it is. Always make time for your partner when they request it, or else you’ll end up alienating them and blocking communication. Propose this mutual sit-down-when-it’s-needed arrangement if you don’t already have it, or have your partner read this article. It doesn’t have to be an attack of any sort; simply cite a desire to communicate better with him or her, which will contribute to happiness for you both.

Listen to and acknowledge what your partner is saying.
Really listen and try to understand what your partner is telling you. Their feelings are as important to them as yours are to you. If your partner cares enough to sit down and discuss something with you, it’s important to them and is crucial that you listen and take their concerns seriously. If you don’t, they may well end up feeling rejected or ignored and the situation will only become worse.

Realize that it can take courage to reveal one’s feelings and there’s often more to it than merely sitting down and letting it out. Some people may be shy or unused to opening up. Your partner may even be fearful of burdening you with something they consider troubling and be afraid of bringing you down. In these cases you may want to acknowledge your partner’s feelings by thanking them for sharing their feelings with you or saying “I understand what you’re saying”. Always be encouraging and supportive.

Take responsibility for your own feelings.
Never say “you make me feel so angry!” or anything of the sort. This comes out as as accusation and will block effective communication by making an attack on the other person. Instead, try expressing your feelings by starting the sentence with “I feel”. No one can argue with the way you feel. “I feel rejected and angry when you don’t take my requests seriously.” This will ensure that the person you’re speaking with will not be as put off by what you’re saying.

Your feelings and emotional responses are your own responsibility and are no one else’s. No one makes you feel anything. You decide to feel and react the way you do. Owning up to this allows you take control and consciously choose the way you want to feel. You can then change your reactions and respond in a healthier way.

Always communicate, even when you’d rather not.
Obviously, if you’re furious over something you need to take a walk and cool down, but barring extreme emotional states I think you should always sit down and talk with your partner about how you feel. Any problems you experience won’t be fixed by pouting or resisting. I’ve found that the best thing to do if I’m upset is to share my feelings and work through them with Candace. In the end the quickest resolution happens when I go to her to help me work through my funks.

Why mope around and feel crappy when you can have another person help you through it and feel better?

You may be concerned that you’re dumping something unpleasant on your partner, but in my experience they may already be bothered by what you’re going through even if you haven’t already told them. I notice that if Candace is in a funk about something it usually affects me (and the reverse is true as well) so be aware that if the two of you are close your emotional state can affect your partner without any conscious action on your part. Think of it as secondhand negativity. For ourselves and those in our lives it’s best to be positive and in a state of emotional well-being.

It can be hard to share, especially if you’re starting as a shy person, but you must overcome timidity or rejection in order to share your feelings effectively. It will make you a more open and understanding individual and improve the level of trust and understanding between you and your partner. Go ahead and open up. It gets easier in time and you’ll be glad that you did!

Communication is a huge factor in resolving emotional situations. It’s okay if you find it challenging or have reservations right now. In time it becomes second nature and leads to happiness and understanding between you and your partner. There is no substitute for open, honest communication. Tempered with patience, understanding, and willingness, it can help you to resolve pretty much anything.

Losing fat really is not that hard. In fact, it’s downright easy! The funny thing is that I see people struggling with it, presumably because of the great deal of misinformation that’s out there.

The truth is that losing fat is simple. You don’t need to be a nutrition expert and you don’t need fad diets. All you need to do is follow a one step process:

1) Eat less calories.

That’s it. Seriously.

Simply put, the number of calories (energy units contained in food) determine the energy your body uses or stores. If there’s too much extra, it sticks around as fat.

My wife Candace and I both have lost weight by applying knowledge of calories. You can do it too. It’s easy! Candace has gone from 150 pounds to 142 pounds in around two months. That’s without drastic diet modifications and with little exercise. Just choosing foods that are lower in calories and eating appropriate portions. I’ve lost 3.5 pounds in a month and a half without any effort at all, though my focus is primarily on gaining weight by building muscle from weightlifting.

It’s quite trivial to have simple, sustainable weight loss. Here’s how I recommend you proceed:

1: Decide to lose fat
While it’s not hard to lose fat, it’s commonly perceived to be a difficult thing to do. Don’t fall into this trap. Make up your mind to lose weight. You can do it. If you do things right, I don’t believe you can fail at it because it’s a biological process. It’s like driving a car: if you start the car and press the gas pedal, it’s going to go forward.

If you want to lose fat, commit to it and do it. It’s not hard. In 14 days (if not 7) of eating right you will have lost weight. If you lose a single pound you’ve proven to yourself that you can do it, and from then on it’s simply repetition.

2: Determine your daily caloric target
There are roughly 3500 calories per pound of fat. Therefore, if you put yourself in a 500 calorie deficit each day for a week you’ll lose one pound of fat. (500 calories * 7 days = 3,500 calories or one pound of fat)

So, find your “maintenance level” (the amount of calories you would need to eat to stay at your current weight) using an online calculator and then subtract 500 calories from it. Then eat around that amount every day. We use Shapefit’s calculator.

3: Track everything you eat
Get yourself a calorie counting program. I use CRONoMeter, which is available for Mac, Windows, and Linux and is free and open source.

Now, if you’re thinking “Oh man, now I need to count calories? That’s so tedious!” you’re totally on the wrong track. If you can’t spend an extra 2-3 minutes per day on your health, you should probably stop reading this article and go be fat and do something else. It’s a trivial investment for something worth having.

In CRONoMeter (or your calorie-tracking software of choice) you can enter any raw ingredient (bananas, for example) or you can create your own recipes by combining ingredients and weighing and measuring the portion you ate. For example, the first time I made my bean chili I added the beans, peppers, spices, tomatoes, and all the ingredients and created the recipe. Then I just measure the serving of that recipe I ate and the program finds how many calories were in that portion and adds them to my daily total.

Using a nutrition-tracking program is actually quite simple, and once you get in the habit of doing it it becomes second nature. You can then look at the calories you ate for the day and feel good about what a positive change you’re making in your life.

4: measure your results
Weigh yourself once per week. Many people, including myself, consider morning the best time for this since you haven’t eaten yet. So, Saturday morning (or whatever morning you like) hop on the scale and record your weight. Remove your clothing or always wear something that weighs the same amount.

Keep it a weekly event. Weighing yourself daily is unnecessary. There’s no need to worry about daily fluctuations in weight. Log your weight using a spreadsheet program. I recommend OpenOffice, which comes with a spreadsheet app called Calc, but you could even do it in a text program if you wanted.

Set up each day’s row like this:
date – exercise performed – calories burned – calories consumed – caloric result – notes

This lets you track any calories you burned through exercise, if any. Add the number of calories you ate, then subtract any calories you burned from the calories you consumed to get your caloric result. Add in notes of how you felt or any positive changes you made that day. Keeping daily records reinforces within yourself that you are doing something, and you can look back over the log and feel proud and see the great changes you’ve made.

Create another sheet for your weekly results. Find the average number of calories you ate per day and put it next to the weight you lost for the week. This can help you to find the optimum amount of caloric input for sustained weight loss.

5: refine your approach as needed
If you follow the steps above you should be averaging a pound per week in fat loss. This can change from week to week if you’ve exercised or there have been variations in your diet, but don’t worry about it too much. The important thing is to achieve sustainable weight loss. The time is going to pass anyway, so you might as well feel great and lose weight all the time.

If you go two weeks without losing any weight, you should examine your approach because there’s something you could be doing better.

Optional steps:

Eat 4-6 meals per day
If you’ve researched weight loss you’ll probably have encountered the “4-6 meals per day” idea. There’s no science that backs up any biological advantage to this approach. Your metabolic rate does not increase if you eat more often.

However, I personally use this approach as a motivational/attitude tool. In order to feel full enough to make it to the next of only three meals in a day, I have to stuff myself until I feel terrible. Perhaps my metabolism is fast, but I simply feel better if I’m not stuffing myself and feeling bloated every time I eat. Additionally, I love food, and there’s nothing better than eating a small, well-portioned meal, feeling great about myself, and knowing that the next indulgence is only two and a half hours away. It seems like my body’s natural ideal eating schedule. Try it out and see if it works for you.

Take one day off per week
Candace and I take Saturdays off and eat whatever we want. I recommend this step if you feel good about it. It makes eating in a controlled, healthy manner the rest of the week doable if you’re not used to it, and it feels great to eat some ice cream or fried food with a clean conscience knowing that you earned it. If you can eat clean and healthy six days out of seven you’ll be in great shape in no time.

Exercise
Exercise is OPTIONAL? Yes, that’s right. Exercise is an inefficient way to burn calories. It’s much easier to eat 500 less calories every day than it is to burn 500 calories through exercise. For example, in twenty minutes of running I burn around 200 calories. At least for me, it’s a lot of work to run for twenty minutes. I personally feel that time is better spent lifting weights because it makes me look better in addition to improving my health and making me feel manly. In addition, more muscle means your basal metabolic rate increases and you burn more calories in a resting state.

If you have a form of exercise you enjoy or think you would like to get into, go ahead and do it as a part of your new paradigm of fat loss, but don’t worry about it too much if you don’t want to. I’ll cover exercise in future articles.

Tips:
Watch out for fried/sauteed food. Olive oil has 119.3 calories per tablespoon, so make sure if you’re sauteeing you use the minimum amount of oil.

• Put everything (I mean it) into your calorie tracking program. Calories hide everywhere and you need to count them all if you are serious about succeeding in losing fat.
• You’ll quickly discover which are higher-calorie foods to watch out for: certain cheeses, refined carbohydrate foods, and the like
• Don’t eat until you’re full. By then it’s too late and you’ve eaten more than you need. Just eat until you’re no longer hungry.
• Eat as many whole foods as you can. Breakfast cereal, packaged products, and things like that contain lots of sugar and fake ingredients.
• Generally, eating well is cheaper and healthier than eating fake processed foods.

Sustainable fat loss is trivial to accomplish and is well worth the minimal time and effort it takes to learn to eat better. Go for it, and look forward to the time when your clothes no longer fit right