I met my wife Candace on The Internet. She’s from Canada and I’m from the United States. Our connection was very strong right from the start, and it had to be in order to establish and maintain an international relationship.
As time went on I discovered a source of cheap phone cards and was able to call Candace every night before bed (this was before VOIP and other methods of voice communication were as commonplace as they are now) but the two of us generally chatted in text every day, usually for more than 8 hours and often very late into the night. It truly was a magical level of connectedness and we considered our meeting nothing less than fate, or something of the sort. The frequency and depth of communication we shared cemented our bond and taught us many lessons.
As Candace emigrated to the US and we got married our relationship continued to grow. Even in times when one of us had some kind of personal issue to work through we always connected with each other extremely well. Today if anyone asks us how our relationship works so well the answer is always the same: communication. Both of us consider it to be the most important factor in a successful relationship.
I think a lot of problem spots in relationships come from a lack of communication and are things that are easily fixed by learning how to communicate properly. Based on my experience, these principles are the keys to having excellent communication with your partner in a relationship:
Maintain an agreement to sit down together whenever one person wishes.
You both need to be willing, no matter what the circumstances are, to sit down together and listen to each other. It’s important that you make some sort of pact or agreement to this effect. How much do you really care for the other person if you’re not willing to sit down with your partner and make their feelings a priority? In that case, why are you in a relationship?
This may not sound like a big deal, but it is. Always make time for your partner when they request it, or else you’ll end up alienating them and blocking communication. Propose this mutual sit-down-when-it’s-needed arrangement if you don’t already have it, or have your partner read this article. It doesn’t have to be an attack of any sort; simply cite a desire to communicate better with him or her, which will contribute to happiness for you both.
Listen to and acknowledge what your partner is saying.
Really listen and try to understand what your partner is telling you. Their feelings are as important to them as yours are to you. If your partner cares enough to sit down and discuss something with you, it’s important to them and is crucial that you listen and take their concerns seriously. If you don’t, they may well end up feeling rejected or ignored and the situation will only become worse.
Realize that it can take courage to reveal one’s feelings and there’s often more to it than merely sitting down and letting it out. Some people may be shy or unused to opening up. Your partner may even be fearful of burdening you with something they consider troubling and be afraid of bringing you down. In these cases you may want to acknowledge your partner’s feelings by thanking them for sharing their feelings with you or saying “I understand what you’re saying”. Always be encouraging and supportive.
Take responsibility for your own feelings.
Never say “you make me feel so angry!” or anything of the sort. This comes out as as accusation and will block effective communication by making an attack on the other person. Instead, try expressing your feelings by starting the sentence with “I feel”. No one can argue with the way you feel. “I feel rejected and angry when you don’t take my requests seriously.” This will ensure that the person you’re speaking with will not be as put off by what you’re saying.
Your feelings and emotional responses are your own responsibility and are no one else’s. No one makes you feel anything. You decide to feel and react the way you do. Owning up to this allows you take control and consciously choose the way you want to feel. You can then change your reactions and respond in a healthier way.
Always communicate, even when you’d rather not.
Obviously, if you’re furious over something you need to take a walk and cool down, but barring extreme emotional states I think you should always sit down and talk with your partner about how you feel. Any problems you experience won’t be fixed by pouting or resisting. I’ve found that the best thing to do if I’m upset is to share my feelings and work through them with Candace. In the end the quickest resolution happens when I go to her to help me work through my funks.
Why mope around and feel crappy when you can have another person help you through it and feel better?
You may be concerned that you’re dumping something unpleasant on your partner, but in my experience they may already be bothered by what you’re going through even if you haven’t already told them. I notice that if Candace is in a funk about something it usually affects me (and the reverse is true as well) so be aware that if the two of you are close your emotional state can affect your partner without any conscious action on your part. Think of it as secondhand negativity. For ourselves and those in our lives it’s best to be positive and in a state of emotional well-being.
It can be hard to share, especially if you’re starting as a shy person, but you must overcome timidity or rejection in order to share your feelings effectively. It will make you a more open and understanding individual and improve the level of trust and understanding between you and your partner. Go ahead and open up. It gets easier in time and you’ll be glad that you did!
Communication is a huge factor in resolving emotional situations. It’s okay if you find it challenging or have reservations right now. In time it becomes second nature and leads to happiness and understanding between you and your partner. There is no substitute for open, honest communication. Tempered with patience, understanding, and willingness, it can help you to resolve pretty much anything.